older = wiser?
So, I’m feeling old today. My oldest son turned 18 and had a party at a friends house last night. I didn’t even get to see him till just a few minutes ago before he left for soccer practice.
Why would his turning 18 make me depressed? I guess it’s because I’m not 18. I’ve spent all these years working my ass off to end up no where. I have a job that I hate. It pays the bills but I feel like I die a little more every day I go there. It has no future. I’ve almost always worked for myself. Spent my time and energy building something. Being creative. Seeing people that appreciated what I do. Now I work some where, where no one is appreciated. I know I need to get out of there but I can’t tear myself away from the steady paycheck. I feel like I don’t have a choice.
Which brings me to my next item. I’m alone. Being alone leaves little in the way of choice. There is nothing to fall back on. No one to share the load with. No security. No chance to take a breath. I do have a girlfriend. One that I’ve been with for almost 9 years now. One that I’ve attempted to marry for the past 6 years. One that lives in Atlanta. One that I hardly ever get to see. One that makes me feel the best I’ve ever felt. You know… “The One”. But she has big fears. They manifest themselves in hurtful ways. I’ve never been made to feel so bad about myself as I have by her. We hardly see each other let alone talk anymore. I don’t know why we are still “together”. It’s hard for me to change anything. I don’t believe what she says anymore about being together. Our deal is that in 4 more years, when the youngest kids are off to college {her’s and mine}, we will be together. I’ve heard promises of being together from her for years. They always fall through for some reason or another. In conversation, she won’t even acknowledge it. I fear that if I wait another 4 years for her that she will have some other reason then and I will be right where I am now. Alone and 4 more years older. But I love her and I know she is “The One”. I guess I have to wait it out. I feel like I don’t have a choice.
Dinner is beeping at me from upstairs. I hope I finish this later.
I have to go now. The beeping makes me feel like I don’t have a choice.
TBC
3 years ago